The Jason Hammersla Files Celebrity Interview: GEOFF ABBAS

Jason Hammersla: We are talking today on the thirty-first of May, 2003, with Geoff Abbas. Good afternoon, Geoff.

Geoff Abbas: Good afternoon, Jason.

JH: How are you doing today?

GA: I’m doing just fine, and yourself?

JH: Excellent. I am doing fine. Let’s jump right in. You live in Brooklyn, New York, is that correct?

GA: That’s correct.

JH: And how do you like living in New York City?

GA: Uh, I enjoy living in New York City. (cough.) I don’t see myself living there forever.

JH: Has it made you hard?

GA: Has it made me hard? Well, I don’t know.

JH: I mean emotionally and mentally hard. Figuratively.

GA: Oh. Well. In some ways, I suppose. When I went to Seattle and saw the kids with their Land’s End backpacks and their snazzy jackets begging for money on the streets, I say, you’ve got to be kidding. Cough up some blood or something, if you want to beg from me.

JH: What do you require from an indigent person before you’ll give them money?

GA: Um…

JH: Do you make them dance for you?

GA: Often, if someone is playing music or singing, then I’ll throw some change.

JH: You throw it at them?

GA: Usually in their general direction.

JH: But you grew up in Webster, NY, yes? The cozy hamlet on the south shore of the great Lake Ontario?

GA: Uh, yes. (sniffle. Cough.)

JH: What do you miss most about your hometown?

GA: The quick answer would be, of course, Wegmans. But also, Webster Park. You know, a large park, where –

JH: Geoff, I understand there’s a rather large park in the middle of Manhattan.

GA: I mean, there are big parks in New York, but there’s also lots of people in those parks.

JH: Oh, the people.

GA: Yes.

JH: They’re the worst.

GA: But in Webster, you feel closer to nature.

JH: So, would you consider yourself a nature boy or a city boy?

GA: A nature boy.

JH: Webster’s motto is “Where Life is Worth Living.” Would you say that since you left, your life has been a brutish nightmare, filled with pain and despair?

GA: Yes.

JH: What do you do here in New York City?

GA: Well, recently, getting my wife pregnant.

JH: I mean, what do you do for a living.

GA: Ah.

JH: That’s not what you do for a living, is it?

GA: Oh, I work with the Wooster Group, which is a small avant-garde theatre company that’s been working in the city for 25-plus years.

JH: Avant-garde. And that is French for what?

GA: I don’t know.

JH: Stupid French.

GA: It’s often described as “experimental.”

JH: Like with test tubes and lab coats?

GA: It can. I think for us it usually it has to do with associations being made that aren’t obvious or typical … outside the normal theatre structure.

JH: What about mimes?

GA: What about mimes?

JH: You don’t have mimes, do you?

GA: No, we’ve worked with magicians, but no mimes.

JH: Can you imagine punching a mime?

GA: I can imagine myself punching a mime. I don’t foresee punching a mime.

JH: I can imagine it.

GA: You can imagine me punching a mime, or you can imagine punching a mime yourself?

JH: Preferably both.

GA: So you’d like for the both of us to get together and beat a mime into a bloody pulp.

JH: That would be cool.

GA: Okay.

JH: What do you do for the Wooster Group?

GA: Specifically, I am the sound designer, but I also help out in various capacities of set construction, lighting work, building maintenance.

JH: As a sound designer, do you ever have to make noises yourself?

GA: Yeah.

JH: Farts and burps and squeaks and what-have-you?

GA: I haven’t had to fart on command. I did work on a show for a while where one of the actors brought in a fart machine, I whether you’re familiar with that I don’t know.

JH: Well, I did have this friend growing up named Nick Clark, and he…

GA: No, it’s basically an electronic whoopee cushion operated via remote. (Cough.) Also the “fart cup” was very popular amongst the actors for that show as well. Which is basically a small plastic cup with a lump of goo in it. And you pull it out, and as you push the goop back in, it creates the desired noise.

JH: Fascinating.

GA: Yeah. But I haven’t really used any of those things. (Sniffle.) For me, there’s been a little bit of singing, and jangling keys, and rubbing mics on my pants, and things like that.

JH: Mike’s what?

GA: On my pants.

JH: Sounds rather illicit.

GA: It can be.

JH: Theater people, as we both know, can be strange. Have you ever been tempted to join in high risk behaviors?

GA: Uhhh… well…

JH: And by high risk behaviors, of course I mean improvisation, method acting, putting on make-up.

GA: Well, the last time I put on make-up was when I did a show in college.

JH: But would you?

GA: Would I?

JH: If enough peer pressure were applied, could we get you in some rouge?

GA: It would depend on the circumstance, but it wouldn’t be out of the question.

JH: Have you ever done a nude scene?

GA: Not for the public.

JH: You travel quite a bit for your work, is that correct?

GA: Yes.

JH: With a last name like Abbas — which is also the name of the prime minister of Palestine — you must be constantly harassed by airport security personnel. Have you ever been patted down?

GA: Yes.

JH: Waved with the wand.

GA: Yes.

JH: Forced to remove your bra.

GA: No. They let me keep my bra.

JH: What’s been your favorite destination so far?

GA: Let’s see. (Sniffle.) That would need to be … Istanbul was a high point. Melbourne, Australia was another good spot.

JH: The kangaroo is indigenous to Australia, right?

GA: Yes, I believe it is.

JH: Do you believe in reincarnation?

GA: Not really.

JH: If there is such a thing as reincarnation, would you object to being reincarnated as a kangaroo?

GA: There are certainly worse things to be reincarnated as. But I think I’d prefer something in a cooler climate.

JH: Would you have a reincarnation request?

GA: If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I’d hope I wasn’t demoted, so to speak. But I could see myself as a mountain lion, or a bear, or a squirrel.

JH: So, no Kangaroo.

GA: I wouldn’t request it. But it would be nice to jump like that.

JH: You are married, as you implied before.

GA: Yes.

JH: Which part of the marriage vows has been most difficult to adhere to thus far?

GA: Well, I’m still working on the “death do you part” section.

JH: That can be difficult.

GA: It’s really a test of stamina rather than effort.

JH: What are your secrets for making marriage work?

GA: I think the biggest thing is “use more words.”

JH: Ironically stated. Your wife is older than you, yes?

GA: Yes.

JH: They say about older women that “they’ve been alive longer.” How do you respond to that?

GA: That’s true. I can’t argue with that.

JH: Earlier in this interview, you proudly boasted that you have successfully impregnated your wife.

GA: Uh-huh.

JH: Congratulations. Would you prefer that your child be very smart or very good looking?

GA: Very smart.

JH: Why?

GA: Well, you can always get plastic surgery. (Cough. Sniffle.) And anyway, people should love you for what’s on the inside. And that’s a better kind of love.

JH: The lungs and the spleen, for instance.

GA: Exactly. People don’t generally care about the appearance of those organs, as long as they are functioning properly.

JH: That’s true, although I happen to have an unusually beautiful pancreas.

GA: So I’ve heard.

JH: Do you plan to breast feed?

GA: Well, I’ve been working on it, doing some exercises, taking some hormone treatments. It hasn’t gone real well so far, but I’m going to keep at it, and in the meantime Kristen will probably fill in for me until my breasts are ready.

JH: Geoff, I can’t help but admire your flowing blonde locks, cascading all the way down your back.

GA: Thank you.

JH: Do you use a separate conditioner?

GA: No.

JH: What is your hair treatment regime?

GA: I wash my hair. (cough. Sniff.) I wash my hair with a dandruff shampoo — The specific shampoo changes — about once a week, maybe two weeks, depending. And then, I never really comb or brush it.

JH: Au naturel, so to speak.

GA: In a way, I guess.

JH: There you go, back to nature.

GA: Yup.

JH: Have you ever considered dreadlocks?

GA: Not really.

JH: Cornrows?

GA: No, I wouldn’t do cornrows.

JH: When you see a bald person, do you feel guilty?

GA: No. Jealous, if anything.

JH: Jealous? And why is that?

GA: Well, you know. Because it’s such a freewheeling lifestyle. I have to wash my hair, but a bald person never has to. Think of all the increased productivity.

JH: How tall are you?

GA: Six feet, five inches.

JH: Ever hit your head? On doorways? Objects? Basketball hoops?

GA: Oh, yes. Objects, mostly.

JH: Is it steroids?

GA: No, I’ve never hit my head on steroids.

JH: No, are you on steroids?

GA: Not since the inhaler I used in grade school.

JH: Human Growth Hormone?

GA: No.

JH: So this is all-natural.

GA: Yes.

JH: One-hundred percent beefcake.

GA: Yeah.

JH: What part of your body do you wish was smaller?

GA: When I’m traveling, my legs.

JH: And what part of your body do you wish was bigger? Keep it clean.

GA: I don’t know. I guess longer fingers might be useful.

JH: Are you ready for the word association portion of the interview?

GA: Ready.

JH: Salt.

GA: Pepper.

JH: Green.

GA: Yellow.

JH: Drink.

GA: Pepsi.

JH: Police.

GA: Squad.

JH: Fire.

GA: House.

JH: Jesus.

GA: Christ.

JH: Weiner.

GA: Dog.

JH: Broke.

GA: Up.

JH: Detroit.

GA: Michigan.

JH: Ass.

GA: Wipe.

JH: I’ve noticed several themes throughout your comments today. One of them is the endless sequence of coughs, wheezes and the occasional sniffle.

GA: (sniffle.)

JH: Yes. I’m not making you too emotional, am I?

GA: You’re hitting hard in some tough, sensitive places. But you’re not going overboard.

JH: It was the small body part thing, wasn’t it.

GA: Actually I’m still on the bald envy thing.

JH: What makes Geoff Abbas cry?

GA: Hitting my head.

JH: What makes Geoff Abbas laugh?

GA: The unexpected.

JH: What makes Geoff Abbas throw up?

GA: Old borscht.

JH: Complete this sentence. “If I didn’t have to wear pants, ______.”

GA: I still would.

JH: Geoff Abbas, ladies and gentlemen. An embodiment of the frontier spirit — a man in touch with nature, combined with the conventional city tradition of wearing pants. Thank you for your time, Geoff.

GA: No problem.